A Change of Plans

Me and Mary… about 6 years ago.

I didn’t plan on being a SAHM (stay at home mom).  I really didn’t.  From the time I entered Mrs. Kramer’s Kindergarten class, I knew what my future held.  I would be a teacher.  I would be a fun, dynamic, engaging teacher.  I would not pass out packets of dittos.  I would be like Mrs. Bennett, making learning as real and tangible as the peanut butter sandwich she used to teach us about fractions in the third grade.  I would be encouraging and demanding like Mrs. Cole, who taught me everything I ever needed to know about the joy of writing.  I would be a teacher who would win awards and be well remembered by her students.

I completed my degree in May of 2000 and accepted a position at a school in a, well let’s be honest, rough area of a large city.  Quite a stretch for this country girl.  I’d have to say it was a very eye opening experience for me, working in a school where the doors were kept magnetically locked.  I grew up in a place small enough that such things were never even thought of!  Nothing in my life had prepared me for the world I was entering. 

I was young and brave.  I jumped in feet first into this exciting teaching experience.  I loved it.  I loved my class.  Twenty sweet little fourth graders just waiting to learn.  I was thrilled to have my first classroom and poured myself into the work without reservation.  I did all I could to make a magical world for those kiddos.  As we went along, I learned their stories and came to love them even more.  I put all of me into that classroom.  I was the last to leave the building most days, carrying a bag of work home with me.  I moved up to the fifth grade with my little class and found that it had expanded to 27 students.  We had two amazing years of learning together that ended with a bittersweet goodbye and me crying in the faculty bathroom.  I still love those kids dearly and pray for them.  They have rewarded me with occasional letters and e-mails updating me on their lives.  I often wonder if they know what a blessing they are to me.

I quit teaching in the city that year.  Eric and I wanted a family and a long commute didn’t really suit a working momma.  I looked for work in our rural community.  I cried in August when the buses rolled out onto the roads and I didn’t have a classroom of my own.  I took positions substitute teaching and eventually took a job managing a pre-school.  I had high hopes that it would be a great place for me to continue to teach and for the baby we were expecting to spend the days.  A few weeks into my work there, we lost the baby. 

I was utterly devastated.  Losing our little one made me reevaluate a lot of things.  When we found out Mary was on the way, I was a different kind of momma.  I was overprotective, nervous, joyous, amazed and completely devoted.  I started really considering staying home with my little one. 

The preschool where I worked helped push my decision over the edge.  Let’s just say that it wasn’t the way I hoped my little one would spend her first years.  I couldn’t imagine sending her somewhere and missing her important little “firsts.”  Would someone else be the first to see her smile? 

I jumped into being a SAHM with both feet, much as I did teaching my first class.  Only, it was very different.  I hated being a SAHM.  I wouldn’t have chosen otherwise, but I really did hate it.  I was a teacher.  How could I give that up to be a housewife?!  I was the first of my friends to do so, and I had nobody to talk to during the days.  I was very lonely.  I remember one day when I pulled the refrigerator out and scrubbed every nook and cranny for about two hours while listening to talk radio.  It wasn’t much fun, but I didn’t know what else to do.

The babies kept coming and my life became increasingly busy.  I quit washing behind the refrigerator.  Don’t look back there, ‘cause you won’t like what you see!  Eventually, I found a few friends who stayed at home with their littles.  I also found some great blogs that helped me to see my life in new ways. 

Looking back, I can see that becoming a SAHM who loves being a SAHM was something that just took time.  I had prepared for my career for years.  I had training.  Being a mom meant on the job training because there is no other way to learn.  In the first few years of my life as a mom, I thought I knew a lot.  The longer I’ve been in this business, the more I learn and the more I know I need to learn. 

I’m not the mom I thought I would be.  Staying at home isn’t at all what I thought it would be.  Somehow, I have settled into this life and I have even found my own special little groove that I fill quite well.  What once felt a bit like a cage has become wings to me.  I have freedom to experience the joy of raising my kiddos and seeing their firsts.  As I discovered the joys of motherhood, I also discovered an amazing and rewarding way of life.

It has been a long and sometimes difficult journey to find my way as a mom.  I suppose it’s that way for lots of moms… and dads.  I’m so glad I stuck it out.  That young, brave teacher has been replaced by a slightly older and wiser mom.  She’s no less brave and ambitious.  She’s very dedicated.  She is teaching and making a difference in lives, just not in the way she had planned.  Sometimes a change of plans is a very good thing.